Captain X-Ploit: Bills, be damned we have to save the world!

The Adventures of Captain X-Ploit:
Bills, be damned we have to save the world! ~ Homeless Ted
– Part 1 of the epic chronicle –
Captain X-Ploit vs. The Law

Our protagonist and his new homeless friend in a tuxedo were sitting face down at the corner table of the Skylight Deer. The countless empty cups of BloodShot cast about the table were a testament to the difficulty of the problem they faced. “Ugh, I feel like punching a leprechaun… let’s go over this one more time. What are the requirements?” asked David not bothering to lift his head from the table. Ted responded in kind “They are prosecuting you on the presumed terrorist law. Once marked as a possible terrorist you can be held indefinitely without bail or hopes of escape, only direct word from the president can release you. The only catch I can see is that they can’t arrest you without cause, meaning you have to actually break the law, like when you were ‘speeding’. The problem with that is if you don’t break the law or exploit the system we have no show. If the new host fails, which to be honest I think she will, Captain X-Ploit gets canceled and the Earth is destroyed.”

David raised his head a little with a dawning realization, “Wait… Mr. Prez can remove me from that list?” Ted nodded and responded “Yes, but let’s face it, the odds of him listening to you are a million to one.” David shook his head, “Hmm… Shame, I kind of liked that guy. Oh well, if it has to be so be it.” He stood from the table and was half way out the door before Ted had caught up to him. “What? What are we doing? What has to be?” David smiled and turned and looked at ted smile breaking to grin he said “Ted my friend… we’re going to have to go ensure the death of the President.” Ted thought he had either misheard or David had lost his mind. “We can’t kill the President!” Ted said. David continued to smile, “Who said anything about killing him?” Ted’s face was the picture of utter confusion. David decided that now was not the time to be cryptic and so an explaination was in order. “Ok, so here’s the thing, we need to make you president…” “Me!? You really have gone insane,” Ted interrupted. “But we can’t make you president without doing three things first. One we need to remove the president and vice president from office to force a new election. Two we need to get you on the ballot. Three we need to make sure you win. One is easy enough, we go down to the DMV and convince them to mark both the president’s and vice-president’s records as deceased. The DMV, being so painfully slow, offers great advantage to us because only a man such as I could get to the front of the line in a single life time. Meaning the president, if he wishes to reclaim his life, will have to go to the DMV and wait in line.” Ted’s eyes finally glimmered with understanding. “He’d never do that. Anyone in his position would sooner die for real then deal with the DMV.” David nodded and continued, “Exactly. So all we have to do is get to the front of the line, convince whoever is there to change the records and bada-bing bada-boom the seats are open. The tricky part is going to be making sure you’re the only one on the ballot so we don’t have to wait for an election.”

About 15 minutes later:

David and Ted were standing outside the DMV. The line for the DMV wrapped around the building three times over and what looked to be a digital sign from the early 80s read “now serving number: 03” They pulled a number and read it “You are number #706,871.75”. “Hmm… I wonder why we’re .75, how many 1/4ths of people are in the line?” David wondered out loud. “Oh, each number pertains to the expected hour of wait time.” Ted explained. David nodded and said “oh, that makes sense, too bad the average human life time is only about 680,652 hours.” Ted nodded then paused, “Wait… you knew that just off the top of your head?” David gave him an odd look and said, “No, but I do know the average life span is 77.7 years, so I just did the math. Now come on, focus, we have to figure out how to get to the front of the line before we die. We only have…” pausing for a second, looking up and squinting, “…444,132, hours till we’re 77.7 and thus statistically at risk of death.”

TO BE CONTINUED!

So it’s good to have David back doing what he does best – exploiting the system. Even if it is for the amusement of Truman-esque reality-show loving extraterrestrials. This exploit promises to be a hum-dinger: putting Homeless Ted in as President without a bloody coup or even gaming voting machines. The plan uses the system against itself or more precisely the DMV against the rest of the system to avoid all that other nastiness. There are several clever references here that bear pointing out. First is the DMV. Guess who the DHS wants to administer the “Real ID” program. If that doesn’t give you pause you aren’t paying attention. Second is the plan to “ensure the death of the President” by essentially stealing his identity and changing his records to “deceased”. Or rather not stealing his identity and social engineering those who have control of the records to do it for him. Extreme? Outrageous? Unbelievable? Not as much as we’d like. And how about that “presumed terrorist law” where you can be stopped by the police for a minor infraction like speeding and then held as a terrorist. That could never happen in real life, right? Think about it.