Thanks for all the phishing

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence
from Thank U by Alanis Morissette

This week being Thanksgiving in the US and me being a wickedly sarcastic scamp here are some things that I would be thankful for. If they were even remotely true. I’m a collector and, dare I say connoisseur, of Nigerian 411 style phishing messages. So without further ado, here is a sampling of my favorites. The things I’m thankful for.

I’m thankful for long lost relatives that die and leave me obscene amounts of money.

Dear  Joseph Webster,

I am Ding Xiang Liang, barrister at law. A deceased client of mine, by name Mr. Andrew Webster, who here in after shall be referred to as my client, died as the result of a heart-related condition in November 2004. His heart condition was due to the death of all the members of his family in the Gulf Air Flight Crashes in Persian Gulf Near Bahrain Aired August 23, 2000 – 2:50 p.m. ET as reported on http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0008/23/bn.08.html.

I have contacted you to assist in distributing the money left behind by my client before it is confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this deposit valued at $19.5 million dollars is lodged. This bank has issued me a notice to contact the next of kin, or the account will be confiscated. My proposition to you is to seek your consent to present you as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my late client, since you have the same last name, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. Then we can share the amount on a mutually agreed-upon percentage.

I am thankful for helpful bureaucrats that find millions owed to me that I don’t even remember.

Dear Beneficiary,

I am William Griffen, a senior staff with the World Bank fact finding & special duties office. I and the chief security officer (CSO) of this organization have arranged with an officer in computer section engineer Peter Uba to bring out part of your total pending payment sum amounting to US$10 million. Why we did this is because according to information gathered from the banks/security computer, you have been waiting for a long time to receive your money without success.

As I found out that you have almost met all the statutory requirements in respect of your pending payment, your problem is that of interest groups.. A lot of people are interested in your payment and those people are merely doing paper works with you and that explains why you receive fax and phone messages from different people everyday. Also we found out that some of the officials of the parastatals have been extorting a lot of money from you with the pretext of helping you receive your money. I can assure you that this may last for years yet nothing happens if you do not do away with those officers that you call your partners.

I am thankful for strangers who are so impressed with my integrity that they want to send me a fortune.

Dear   Joseph Webster ,

How are you and every member of the family? I hope they are fine? if so may almighty God continue to guide you and protect you in your entire endeavor.I am Mr Yester Koma a Liberian by nationality.

I got your contact through a Christian sister who told us that you are reliable and trust worthy person who can assist us in area of investment, though I did not disclosed to her then strength of what we have in our possession.

I am the eldest Son of Chief George Koma who was killed six years ago in the recent war at Liberia, by some political imgrates. Before he died he was the owner of Koma and sons Diamond Company in Liberia.

After the death of my father, I and my mother quickly rush into my fathers private warehouse and took away (Two trunk boxes One containing$20,million dollars , and the Second one containing 10kgs of Diamond) .

Friend, the two trunk boxes are now in a private security company near Lome Togo international airport awaiting shipment. Dear Sir, what we want you to do for us is to send us your Full name and address also your private phone number to enable me and my mother get all necessary documents needed to get the consignments delivered to your door step through diplomatic means.

I am thankful for dying strangers who seek me out to distribute their fabulous wealth to charities.

My last wish,

My Name is Mr. Abdul Raham,i am 57years old. Am a citizen of Saudi Arabia, but i am resident in Cayman Island. I was born an Orphan in 1952. I have no Father or Mother, and i have no Relatives.I struggled and Worked Hard and Almighty God blessed me Abundantly with Riches. I used to be a Dealer in Gold, Diamonds and Tantalite. I have no Wife but i happend to have a child of 5Yrs from my late Wife who happens to die of Cancer of the Breast. For 2 years now i am seriously sick. I have been diagnosed with Cancer which was discovered very late, due to my laxity in caring for my health. It has defiled all forms of Medicine, Right now I have only about a Year to Live, according to my Medical Doctor. I have not particularly lived my life so well since after the Death of my wife Four Years ago, as I never really cared for myself but the Business. Though I am very Rich, I was never Generous, I only focused on my Business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I Regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the Money in the world. I believe when God gives me a second chance and heal me I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it.

Please i have sowed a seed for my healing; I have willed and given most of my properties andassets to my immediate Orphans childrens and as well as a few close Friends.I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul and so, I have decided to give Arms to charity Organizations and give succor and comfort to the less privileged of the Tsunami Victims, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have donated money to Some charity organizations. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I Cannot do this my self anymore. I once asked a close friend of mine to close one of my accounts in Saudi Bank and donate the money which I have there to charity organization and to the less Privileged in Bulgaria and Sudan-Africa he cashed the money but kept it only to himselves.

Hence, I do not trust him anymore, as he seem not to be contended with what I have left for him already. The last of my money, which no one knows of, is the huge cash of Twenty Two million(22 Million US DOLLARS) deposited in the Vault of a financial institution in Europe for Safekeeping. I want you to collect this deposit on my behalf and disburse thus 30percent of the total amount among the Mudslide Earthquake Victims in Asia, Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Rita, Hurricane Wilma and for the less Privileged, 30percent for you for your time and efforts and 40percent for my only child for his upbringing as you will be responsible for his education,health and other activities.

So i need your urgent reply so that I will not have to go on sourcing for a credible person to handle this project, please if this is what you Know that you can handle kindly respond back to me with the information below.

I am thankful for lawyers who want to protect my fortune from my evil partner – neither of which I knew about.

ATTENTION: BENEFICIARY,

This is to bring to your notice about the due process of your outstanding contractual payment which was suspended by the Federal ministry of Finance thereby stopping the telex unit to pause the transfer of your contract fund to your nominated Bank Account. As a result of this development, verification conducted by the newly appointed Finance Minister inconjunction with the Newly Appointed Member of Presidential Board of Trustee on Debt Verification Panel to contact you and let you Know that your contract casefile has been endorsed for payment awaiting your confirmations.

In view of several efforts already made by us to contact you proved abortive. Based on the new Address submitted to this office on your behalf:

(1) My Office desks have just received a new contact address from Mr. Bill Carlton, to deliver your Payment into a new address as stated bellow: 100 Wellington Street West ,Suite 1200 ,Toronto , Ontario , Canada ,M5K 1J3 The Sum of 8.5 Million US Dollars (Eight Million Five Hundred Thousand USDollars) should be paid to Mr. Bill Carlton, as your beneficiary/Partner..

(2) Please,confirm to our Bank/Office if you have instructed Mr. Bill Carlton,to appoint an attorney/agent on your behalf thereby asking that he receive cashcall Remittance on your behalf as your Partner.

(3) It have come to our notice that you are being contacted by unauthorized individuals with respect to your contract/Inheritance payment but unfortunately this office is not aware of your unofficial dealings and warned that it is at your own risk.

(4) Please, also confirm if you have authorized Mr. Bill Carlton, To change your Residential Address to the following address stated below:100 Wellington Street West ,Suite 1200 ,Toronto , Ontario , Canada ,M5K 1J3We have decided to contact you for re-verification because we suspected that Mr. Bill Carlton, is trying to divert your money through the sworn affidavit to a new different address as your Partner Because of the fraudulent activities going around the globe, The World Bank and IMF advices the Central Bank not to contact you again regarding your Contractual Payment, which is why this Department (Foreign Fund Unit/Audit Department of the Dept Verification Panel Of Federal Ministry of Finance is now in charge of the Fund to be released to you through one of the Nominated Bank by World Bank and IMF.

Therefore, if you had not authorized Mr. Bill Carlton, to claim this Contractual Payment on your behalf as your Partner, Kindly get back to us with the down listed information requested for re-confirmation/verification and for fast and swift release of the Fund to you without any Further Delay.

I am thankful for politicians who urgently need my help with shady foreign real estate investments.

Hello, Webster

I am interested to acquire properties abroad, hence my contact with you. I wish to inform you therefore that I have the intention to invest a total sum US$65 million abroad on real estate. Kindly let me know your terms/conditions for my considerations.

Best regards,
Senator Kathleen.

I am thankful for soldiers who want me to help them smuggle funds out of Iraq.

Fellow Brother,

I hope my email meets you well. I am in need of your assistance. I am in the Engineering military unit here in Ba’qubah in Iraq, we have some amount of funds that we want to move out of the country. My partners and I need a good partner someone we can trust. Basically since we are working for the government we cannot keep these funds, but we want to transfer and move the funds to you, so that you can keep it for us in your safe account or an offshore account. But we are moving it through Diplomatic means, to send it to your house directly or a bank of your choice using Diplomatic Courier Service. The most important thing is that can we trust you? Once the funds get to you, you take your 30% out and keep our own 70%. Your own part of this deal is to find a safe place where the funds can be sent to. Our own part is sending it to you. If you are interested i will furnish you with more details.

Regards,

Sgt. Phillip Newman.

I am thankful for bankers who want me to be the lost heir to a fortune or maybe perform a wedding.

Dearly Beloved,

Let me start by introducing myself to you, I am Dr Stephen Annan, DirectorForeign Remittance Department, CITI BANK GHANA, Accra Head Office. I saw yourcontact during my private search in the internet and I want to believe that youwill be very honest, committed and capable of handling this transaction.

First, let me explain the source of this fund and what you are expected todo. A foreigner, late MR RONALD M. EBELING worked with the Ghanaian GOLD/MINERALRESOURCES COMMISSION and had a functional account with CITI BANK until his deathsome years ago. The deceased Ronald Ebeling banked with us and had a closingbalance as at 22nd November 2000 worth $8,000,000.00 (Eight Million U.S Dollars)

CITI BANK has been expecting any of his close relatives to make claim onthe fund since there was no record of any beneficiary stated in the depositoryagreement. Efforts have been made by the Bank Agents to get in touch with RonaldEbeling’s family or relative but to no avail.

Based on the perceived possibility of not being able to locate RonaldEbeling’s relatives, the management under the influence of our chairman and theboard of directors are making arrangements for the fund to be declared unclaimedand channeled to an unknown account. It is based on this fact, I have contactedyou to approach the Bank as the next-of-kin to Late Ronald Ebeling so that thefund will be released and paid into your account as the beneficiary/next-of-kinto the deceased.

But mostly I’m thankful that Google Translate isn’t any better than it is. Otherwise this stuff wouldn’t be nearly as amusing. So Happy Thanksgiving. So long and thanks for all the phish.