Greatest security breakthrough?

DEAR DR. SECURITY: I am sending you this email in an unfortunate state of complete sobriety (given that it is after quitting time here). Should I over indulge however, Gmail has my inebriated back, so to speak. While adjusting my settings I came across this feature which can be enabled: Mail Goggles by Jon P

Google strives to make the world’s information useful. Mail you send late night on the weekends may be useful but you may regret it the next morning. Solve some simple math problems and you’re good to go. Otherwise, get a good night’s sleep and try again in the morning. After enabling this feature, you can adjust the schedule in the “General” settings page.”

Apparently this is built on the theory that drunk (tired?) people can’t do math – something any tip-dependent bartender knows all too well.  Some basic questions came to mind when I saw this innovative computer security functionality and I decided to contact you, my favorite security blogger, to get some input.

1. Does the non-scalability of this platform prevent it from accurately blocking access to the intoxicated math elite, while at the same time, wrongfully exclude the math illiterate?
2. Could this type of faculty-based access control could be used to prevent a much wider array of offending internet behavior?
3. Will I soon have to demonstrate SAT math section mastery to perform basic Google searches?
4. Is there any way this type of faculty-based security could be implemented to to prevent politicians who can’t do math from accessing federal funds?

This seems to me to be the greatest breakthrough in computer security so far!

Let me know what you think — GOGGLES FAN.

DEAR GOGGLES FAN: This is truly interesting technology and your questions are insightful. You must be a lawyer or maybe even Dilbert’s garbageman. But enough chit chat, to the questions.

1. The non-scalability will in fact lead to false negatives for inebriated math adepts, and false positives for sober morons. But you say that like it’s bad thing. If I can solve partial differential equations over a pint of Bushmill’s then I should be able to email anyone I like (ah the memories – but I digress). Conversely if you can’t do simple arithmetic you don’t deserve to email. Harsh but true.
2. The possibilities are endless. I can think of a variation on this that would be a perfect add-on to any office correspondence facility: calculate the percentage of your paycheck that goes to your mortgage before you can “reply to all” or send to a mailing list.  This would really curb the PHB references and might even lead to a kinder. gentler workplace. Or world peace. Well maybe not that, but certainly enhanced job security.
3. That would be a swell idea, but Google already knows your SAT scores. Even if you haven’t taken the SAT yet. The Google knows.
4. Were only this possible. I’m afraid that it’s not the politicians’ inability to do math that is the problem, it’s their reliance on the general public’s numerical ineptitude. They know they are lying. We know they are lying. And we vote for them anyway. Just in case they aren’t lying. But they are. How do you fix that?

Disclaimer: Like Dr. Science, DR. SECURITY is not a real doctor.

Further Disclaimer: The part of GOGGLES FAN was played by Chris Webster. He’s not a real lawyer. Yet.